I make the joke that my name, Sadie, could be thought of as "Sad" and "die," which honestly wasn't a joke a few years ago. That's what I thought. And so I became.
I was sad. And I wanted to die. Sounds dramatic, but it was true.
I was in a deep dark hole mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and energetically (I call those the 'Fab 5'). Despite having understood the concept of "manifesting your reality" since I was 12, I was in this dark space and SO unaware that I kept consciously creating more of what I didn't want, therefore experiencing more of what I didn't want to experience. This grew very frustrating, as you can imagine; feeling like the world was just a place of suffering, that I HAD to do what I HAD to do, that there was no escape. Life was constantly out to get me.
I ended up taking a beautiful & necessary step back from this life I was creating a few years ago and after a few personally debilitating experiences, including a major concussion that literally rocked both my brain & my world, life pushed me to start all over again… here’s how it happened…
After being in a 5 1/2 year long relationship where my deep sorrow and darkness lived, enveloped in “Sad Sadie Stew” most of the time, and feeling trapped in a life I didn’t want, I made a terrifying and bold decision to let that go and embark on a little journey with myself.
I worked with a distant energy healer from Canada, discovered many “categories” that I finally fit into (which at the time helped justify feeling totally out of place most of my life) like being an empath, highly sensitive, psychic spiritual medium & channel, starseed/lightworker, the list goes on.
And little did I know then, the awakening process was just beginning.
A couple years later, while innocently cutting potatoes for dinner, I cut my finger (in the like of a paper cut) and ended up fainting, falling to the ground, hitting my forehead on the kitchen sink before whiplashing backward hitting the back of my head on the counter & floor. I was unconscious and alone. About 3-5 minutes later, I woke up with my body convulsing and shaking, not remembering where I was, who I was, anything about my life or what had just happened. I jumped to a memory of when I experienced a similar fall as a little girl in my parent’s kitchen and had to consciously re-trace my memories back from that little girl to remind myself, “You are Sadie. You live in Hawaii. You live in this house now. You’re in your kitchen. Your body is shaking and you passed out.” My brain felt out of commission, my memories were mostly inaccessible, and I was unsure how to come to terms with what had just happened.
I was debilitated for about 2 months. I couldn’t work in real estate anymore as I couldn’t even remember the names of my fellow agents/co-workers/clients. I ended up terminating my romantic relationship, sold all my stuff, left the home I had built in Hawaii for 4 years and moved to San Diego on a plane with just a couple suitcases. I didn’t have much to my name, no job, no place to live and really no plan of any kind, except to continue healing.
I ended up enrolling in a self-development leadership course that quite literally knocked my socks off. I unraveled the sexual trauma I had experienced around the age of 6 or 7—something I had suppressed so hard that I actually thought I was crazy for thinking it was real, even though it was—experiencing intense neglect and fear as a child; feeling utterly unsafe and attacked by unseen entities in our house (being raised catholic AND being a psychic medium child makes for a bit of a rocky road); abortion at 15; co-dependent relationship & simultaneous peril with friends; my escape to Hawaii & attempt to run away from the world & all the pain I had experienced in it. I was asked to face alllllll of it. My “shadow” included. Turns out my “sad little girl” and “victim” patterns were not working for me anymore. I did the work to break free of those molds that held me captive for so long in a life where I was hidden from my true self, disconnected, and discontent with everything I had.
I shifted. My sister looked into my eyes and said, “It looks like 1,000 years of sorrow has lifted from your soul.”
From that point on, I continued to do the work. I continued to pray, to meditate, to build my own Affirmisms (further info on its impact on my journey below), to see my tribe of healers—spiritual, mental, emotional, physical, energetic. I continued to have interesting experiences with “the other side;” channeling spirits, clearing energetic & spiritual attachments, and figuring out how to ground in my body while remaining connected to Spirit.
I was further tested in EVERYTHING my awakening journey had taught me up until that point when I fell ill for a month straight with influenza, bronchitis (which turned into walking pneumonia), stomach flu, and losing 25 pounds I didn’t have to lose. Before fully recovering from it all, I discovered the apartment I had been living in for over a year since moving to San Diego had toxic mold. I was instantaneously home-less, belonging-less, and hope-less. Everything from my bed to my books, my artwork, the clothes on my back and everything in-between was toxic. It had to go. I was forced to let go of every attachment I had to every physical belonging I owned; every memory and every keepsake. I was faced with existing in arguably one of the most vulnerable states a human can live in while doing everything I could to regroup, rebalance, and reground myself.
Of course, when it rains it pours. My career was shifting—chaotic and unstable to say the least—my relationship was again, ending, and the life I had built since restarting the 3rd time went up in flames, again, right before my eyes. Part of me can’t help but laugh as I write about it all.
However, despite the turmoil, the pain, the struggle, I was given a beautiful gift: another opportunity to break and build. To continue discovering my true self, my purpose, strength, will, and peace with Spirit’s lessons. I discovered the opportunity to thrive again; to flourish with all the new life & growth I was preparing for… and now here I am.
How does Affirmism intertwine with My Journey?
I was introduced to affirmations through my sister who met the queen of affirmations herself, Louise Hay, a few years prior to embarking on this journey. At that time, my sister encouraged me to read Ms. Hay's books and to start practicing some of her exercises. I was resistant to the support AND found it INSANELY uncomfortable just to tell myself I looked beautiful and that I loved myself. Attempting that in front of a mirror took it to a WHOLE new level of uncomfortability.
I continued to push through the resistance because for some reason, in some way, it just felt good to say nice things to and about myself, rather than all the critical, harsh, and judgmental thoughts I was used to experiencing on repeat.
I took these practices a few steps further after discovering additional people and companies in this space. I practiced reading affirmations out of a book, on a screen, and listening to others say them out loud.
And something magical started to happen: a shift.
While playing with all these newfound possibilities in my mind, I had the thought to record MYSELF saying specific affirmations out loud that I had written JUST for me. It was definitely a wake up call to hear the way in which I spoke out loud. The energy I was emitting through my voice, representing the energy I was emitting to the world, was dead, dull and sad. How much I despised my voice further showed me how much I despised myself and how much I didn't love what I was emitting to the universe. After all, our voices are one of our most powerful tools of communication and expression of self on this planet. If we can't love our voice, can we love anything else about ourselves?
I continued to record myself many times, each one getting closer to the energy I wanted to create in the world. If you've ever heard the term, "fake it 'till you make it," that was me. I felt foolish trying to sound more excited, joyful, and happy than I really felt inside, yet my experience of listening to that recording day after day was metamorphic.
Speaking to and listening to myself was deeply impactful, supporting me in clearing my life of all kinds of toxins—emotional, mental, physical, energetic, & spiritual. Toxins I had gathered from all my pain and very deep lows.
This new practice became a commitment.
To my mind.
To my strength.
To support myself, rather than break myself.
The Present of Presence
Now, still, I am on a continuous journey to uncover beautiful, broken pieces of myself that I am integrating into this beautiful mosaic called Sadie.
I drink clean water, I eat clean food, I think clean thoughts, I bask in clean energy, I express clean emotion, and I am clean in spirit. I accept my mistakes. I love my imperfections. And I celebrate my humanness.
Every time I break, I build.
“Shifting out of the sh**” has become a daily practice. A strengthening exercise.
One in which I affirm I am getting better and better at every day.
One in which I love supporting others in practicing daily. Because you can, too.
I was simmering in my Sad Sadie Stew for far too long—most of my life—until I made a conscious choice to get out of it, the Negative Nancy Nonesense, hopeless and despairing. Now here I am, finding myself constantly shifting into Positive Pumbaa PARADISE.
The change has been palpable. When walking around, I am present. I notice my natural and immediate thoughts about something, anything. And they’re just different. They are positive. They are loving. They are joyful.
I went on this journey to discover something. And I did.
I discovered what it meant to love again.
To love myself in order to love others.
For we can only give to others that which we carry ourselves.
We are all capable of feeling good.
We are all capable of creating a world of possibility, prosperity, and peace.
We are all in this together, for when we come together, together we are one.
Healer heal thyself.
Are you choosing the life you want? Or are you letting life choose you?
It’s time to shift.
For when you shift your thoughts,
You shift your life.
Are you ready to shift yours?